don’t you hate it
when
you’re at that point
where you’re ready
to move on
you know you
simply must
move on
for your own sanity
there is only so long you can wallow
and so the decision
to
move on is made
your head
and
your heart
finally agree on it
and you take those first
couple of tentative steps
towards emotional freedom
you’ve packed the guilt away
sent the hatred to
stay at aunt janes
for an indefinite period of time
and
got the smile out of storage
and
tried it on for size
and
spent some time
modelling in front of the mirror yesterday
and it still fits!
and
so you go on
trying out your new new
“i’m not angry, bitter, resentful but happy and looking forward”
new life on for size
where it round the house for a few days
then bravely debut it
to the world
at first you just take it to
the shops on a few errands
it seems to go ok
no one looks at you
and
recognises that you’re an IF
nor
that you’ve had 7 miscarriages
or
that you put in 10 years
ttc
a healthy, living, breathing baby
but
came up with nothing but heartache and scars
and so
you decide that the new life
can stay
it fits so well
and
is going so well
making you feel better
you get up each morning
and
slip into your new life
with effortless ease
it just becomes second nature
to step out of the house wearing it now
to the point that you can’t
believe how long you wore the
“angry, bitter, resentful life”
for
then one day it happens
there are no warning signs
no hints of whats to come
nothing leads up to it
but
the aftermath that follows
is like watching a disaster movie
it was a lovely balmy evening
there was a breeze
and
it was finally cool after days of
40degree (C) + weather
the sadness started first
it felt like an old friend just
coming up behind me
wrapping its arms around me
as if to say
“ive missed you so much, where did you go?”
but
with it
came the blackness
so heavy and breathtaking
the sadness wrapped itself around me
while the blackness sat on my chest
and
made me struggle for breath
the ache arrived next
perhaps if the blackness
hadn’t sat on my chest
the ache would have stayed away
im not sure
but
i’ll never know
the ache started out like
a pinprick in the middle of my heart
and
it radiated out in circles
the pinprick getting bigger and bigger
until it had consumed
my whole heart
and
felt like with every beat
it was sucking the life out of it
as i sat there
wrapped in sadnesses arms
sat on by blackness
and
consumed by heartache
i felt trapped
like i’d spent so much time
and
put so much effort into getting
away from these three
and
it had all been for nothing
for when i had least expected it
they had returned
and
taken over in a matter of seconds
it was while i was
trying to wrestle a breath
from blackness
that i saw failure & doubt sneak in
they did it ever so quietly
using the back door to my mind
but
snuck in they did
they didn’t clomp around
pushing things out of the way
and
making themselves known instantly
no
thats not failure & doubts style
instead
they walked quietly and gracefully
leaving little bits of themselves
in everything i did that day
make a cup of coffee – did you make that like you normally do?
take the wrong way somewhere – gee you fuck up alot don’t you?
burn dinner – wow something else so simple that YOU CAN’T DO!
i had fought so hard
to rid my life of these 5
it had been a struggle
but
i had done it
and
now it seemed like it had been for nothing
i asked how long they planned to stay
they said they didn’t know
they’d missed me
i told them they weren’t welcome anymore
they said they were always welcome
that we’d become such good friends
we couldn’t survive without each other
i told them they were wrong
i spent the rest of the day
fighting with them
refusing to let them take over
my willpower was strong
at first
we fought like warriors
them as a collective
me alone
by the end of the day
i was battle worn and weary
not ready to give up the fight
but
not sure i had any strength
left to continue
to the outside world
i looked like i was fighting
a non existant battle
to Bikerman
i looked like i was fighting
a non existant battle
when i collapsed into his arms
last night
and
told him that i was
feeling v.sad
and
then promptly
burst into tears
he couldn’t understand why
asked me
why i felt so sad
and
i couldn’t tell him
because
i knew
he wouldn’t understand
and
so today
is another day
i wake up with fresh fight in me
i wake up with new armour
and
as i become the warrior that
i don’t want to become
but
know i must
i tell myself
i will not concede defeat
i will fight til i have no fight left in me
and
i will do everything in my power
to reclaim my new life back
and
as i drink my morning coffee
i look at the little Pill
before putting it on my tongue
i tell it
while i must take it
for my sanity’s sake
it will not beat me
it will not take over me
and
most of all
it will not deny me another ounce of happiness
i am not
nor ever will be a mother
but
i am a survivor
i am strong
i can beat this
and
above all else
i am me
and
thats just enough
