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the plastic face post

kymberli over at im a smart one
wrote a post entitled
passport children

in it she writes about
how she belongs in both
the infertile and fertile world
and how when children are born
after treatments
they are like passports into a different country

as i said in the comment i left
on her post
that is a passport i will never
have now

i will never get that travel
opportunity
never get my passport to parenthood stamped

she also asks
“If you’re still in the process of trying,
do you feel like you’re always walking
around with a Plastic Face shield up,
preemptively on the defensive just in
case conversation heads down THAT path?”

again
as i said in the comment left
on her post
i did have the face
but don’t anymore

during the first 5 to 7 years of
our struggled to get knocked up
no one knew
just how long we’d been trying
or that we were trying
or what we’d been through
really it was no one elses business
actually it’s still no one elses business
but i’m not as tactile anymore

after the 7th year ttc and
once the miscarriages started
my plastic face was quickly discarded

i made a decision
i decided to let my real face show

sure
it makes people uncomfortable
they don’t know how to react
they don’t know what to say
but
i don’t care anymore

that may sound selfish
and it probably is
but i think it’s time i was selfish
i did start putting my needs first
that my heart was considered first

i’ve spent 10 years bottling
up my anger, bitterness
and
incredible pain
at being an utter failure
at the
one thing
i want to succeed most at

and now
enough is enough
it’s time to let the real me
shine through
if people don’t like it
they can walk away

people seem to think
that it’s fine
to ask people
to hide who they truly are
what they are truly feeling
to put on a front
to make it easier for
everyone else to deal with
and handle whatever it is
you may be going through

and you know what?
it’s not

actually i believe that
it should never be acceptable
for people
for ANYONE
to encourage others to hide
their real true feelings away
because it makes others feel uncomfortable

there are plenty of things
that happen in this big
wide world
that make me feel uncomfortable
but i don’t get the option of
having them stopped
i just have to suck it up
and deal with it

this post comes from
that the more i read
kymberlies post
and having a plastic face
made me more angry
as i realised that because
i don’t have a plastic face anymore
is the reason why
i don’t see some of my friends
anymore

the friends that i thought i could
count on for anything
especially support during this
tough journey
apparently i was wrong

they don’t want to have to
deal with
or contend with
my struggle to start a family
even though some of them
have been there themselves
they don’t want to revisit that past
they don’t want to offer me support
or ask me how its going
so because i don’t have the plastic face anymore
i don’t hide how much i’m struggling
i don’t pretend that all is well
in my world
they have to either deal with it
when they see me
or they don’t see me

i find it very sad
that they have chosen the latter

i find it even more sad
that i once called them friends.

the dark hateful post

today
BikerMan asked me
why
i’m so angry all the time

why
i pick fault
with everything
and
everyone

last night
he asked me
why i’m so sad
and i couldn’t
give him an answer

today i thought about it
and still came up blank

this afternoon
i realised
i’m a horrible
person

i can’t remember the last time
i was happy

i hate who i’ve become
i hate how i treat people
i hate the cloud
that follows me everywhere
i hate my anger
i hate the chip on my shoulder
and the more i think about it
i hate myself and my life

i want to be happy again
i want to not be depressed all the time
i want to not cry several times a day
i want to not be anxious
i want for the sound of children
playing outside my front door
not to make me nervous, anxious and angry
i want to not think dark hateful shit
about myself
i want to stop wishing that i wasn’t here

i want to be fine with where i am in and with life

i want to not wake up each morning and think
‘fuck another day to get through’

i want….to just be ok
i’d be happy for that

the what could have been post

when i met BikerMan
i was at the start of what was supposed
to be
a 12 month working holiday in
london

i was there to work as a nanny
for an american family
with one very spoilt brat boy

i was going to see london
enjoy being on the other side of the
world to the majority
of my family
enjoy not knowing anyone
and no one knowing me

travel around europe
and just generally enjoy life

i met BikerMan via the
internet
3 weeks after i arrived in london

we spoke every day via the net
after a couple of weeks we
started talking on the phone

a couple of weeks later he came down
to london
and we met

just after christmas we became
“a couple”
by the middle of january
we were engaged

by march i had moved up
to live with him
by november
(so a year after meeting)
we were married

the bastard totally
and
utterly
fucked my plans
for travel
exploration
and a general good
drunken
time
right up

instead he made me fall
in love with him
made me want to get married
settle down
become domesticated
for christ sake!
he made me want to procreate with him

you see i never
wanted to get married
never wanted children
preferring to wander the world
explore
live
enjoy life and new destinations
always be on the move

i married
however
a complete
homebody

can you see the problem here?

now fast forward 9 years
we have no children
probably won’t have children
and so
(once the dogs are sadly no longer with us)
we are in the perfect position
to go travelling
see the world
not be tied down

but i’m still married
to the same
homebody
that i was married to 9 years ago

my dream is to move from
place to place
every 6 months or so
exploring new countries
new cities
meeting new people

i have gypsy blood
and a gypsy heart
and being tied down to the one spot
(NOT the one husband)
is making me feel suffocated
and yet i have no hope of
changing BikerMans mind
re the travel

sometimes i sit outside
and stare at the planes landing
and taking off in the sky
and wonder what could have been
where i may have been
what i may have been experiencing
had i not met the love of my life
had i not met my soul mate
had i not fallen in love
had BikerMan not tamed my heart
and domesticated me

sometimes i just plain daydream…..

the 9 years ago today post

9 years ago today
at around
two hours ago

after huge family rows
(alllll BikerMans side of the family
little bastards that they are)
disagreements about where they should
get married
how they should celebrate
who should be invited
who shouldn’t be
people vowing never to speak again
(this has happened btw)

two people
took vows
and said they wanted to be
together
for always

they spoke of their love
for each other
how they wanted to be
with no one else
how they had found
their soulmate

9 years on
and nothing has changed

sure

they have gone through battles
and
come out scarred

they have trudged up hills
dodging things rolling down
as they climbed upwards

they have reached the top
and celebrated their victory

they have gone down the other side
of those hills
and found themselves in the
deep deep
valleys
unable to climb out

they have had their hearts
filled with the love they have
for each other
and they have had their hearts
stripped off all the love
and left in tatters

they have laughed
they have cried
they have fought
like cat and dog
and they have
fallen in love over and over
again

they have dealt
with
family drama’s
they have dealt
with
illness
they have dealt
with
death
they have dealt
with
loss
they have dealt
with
infertility
(and come out still sane – though some may argue!)

they have proven the
naysayers
wrong
the ones who said they’d never last
and the ones who hoped they wouldn’t last
(BikerMans parents actually)

they are closer now
than they ever have been
and when they look to the future
they can see
themselves
together
forever
growing old

it is our 9th wedding anniversary today
did you manage to guess that?
lol

and before you ask
no
i did not receive a gift
nor flowers
not even a card

i did get told
over and over
how much i was truly loved though
and even though
i get told that on a daily basis
i am grateful for being told
and being able to hear
it so very often
for i know that there are plenty of people out
there
who never hear those words
and yet i hear them everyday
several times over

as we get ready to face
the next 1, 5, 9 and hopefully 50 years
together
side by side
i am grateful for everything
that we’ve been through
to get to where we are today

because

it has showed us
that even though
we may want/ed children
together
ourselves
we are a family
we are enough
and if it is always
just to be us
well
thats
just
fine

and so to BikerMan
you are my friend
my lover
my debate partner
the one who keeps me on the straight an narrow
the one who reigns me in
in every way imagineable
the one who holds me up
when i’m weak
the one who dries my tears
(most of the time)
the one who does stupid things
just to see me smile

but most of all

you are my soulmate
my husband
and my equal
and i love you more today
than i did yesterday
but less than i will tomorrow

and that is

just
how
it’s
meant
to
be

the apology/explanation post

i want to
apologise
for my post yesterday

this week has been a dark one
for me
a very dark one
i’ve never felt as bad as
i currently do

if i had to verbalise it
i feel
like a lost soul
with no destination to head for
and no idea where she’s come from

heaps of people have told me
that when i feel like i currently do
to just put it down on the screen
and run with it
this is my blog
after all

and while yes
that may be correct
the last thing i want to do
is lose readers
and i’m afraid if i let the darkness
overtake my blog
as it is trying to do my life
then readers i will lose

so yes
you will see the occasional post
like i wrote yesterday
unfortunately
they simply must remain part of this blog
part of what this blog is

because you see

i didn’t get the happy ending

this infertile did not win the battle
nor the war

it is not all sweetness and light
rainbows and butterflies in my world

i do not have a growing belly
nor a nursery to plan
no grainy ultrasound pics to gaze at
no doppler to plant against my belly
trying to source a heartbeat that isn’t my own

my “long”* battle with infertility
did not give me relief
via a big fat fucking home pregnancy test
nor rising betas or a flickering heartbeat on the
ultrasound screen

i am very disappointed in myself
if i am to be totally honest here
because i so wanted this blog
to be as positive as it could be
i wanted it to focus on the life
BikerMan and i were to carve out for ourselves
childfree

i truly did
and i’m angry that it’s not
but
i also realise that in order for this blog
my blog
to end up being what i just described up there
the posts like yesterday
(and now this one today) simply
must be allowed to occur
they must be put into words
and be put out there for all to see

why?

well to put it really simply
this
what i’m living now
experiencing everyday
in my decision to quit ttc
is what life after deciding to stop
ttc is really like
sure you get the infertiles who
can move on relatively easy
or do they?
thats what we see
because thats what they show us
and yeah if i’m honest
i thought about bullshitting the lot of you
and saying
“hey look at us, we’re in love
and loving our childfree life
with no brats to tie us down
or hold us back”

but

i would have been bullshitting you
because it would have been an utter lie

instead i chose to be what i’ve always been
honest
and upfront about my feelings
and how i’m dealing and handling
or not handling as it may be
my feelings and trying to move on

if me being honest makes it easier for
just one person to admit
that hey perhaps they aren’t coping
with their decision
or their situation in life and the ttc journey
well i’m fucking glad

these things
struggling
battling the demons
and depression
and crying constantly need
to be addressed
they need to be admitted to the world
they need to be put out there

for too long infertility was swept
under the rug
not talked about
not discussed
people didn’t admit to
‘having it’
’suffering from it’

now however as it becomes more common
we discuss it
we write blogs about it
document our struggles
post pictures of our successes
we seek support from individuals
all over the world
who are battling the same thing
we start support groups
and offer virtual shoulders
give virtual hugs
and let others know they aren’t alone
in their struggle

however

as i started to look for
fellow bloggers who had chosen to
live childfree
give up ttc
i was shocked
and quite saddened by how few i found
i know there are more of us out there
but for some reason
we choose not to blog
or if we do
we try to focus on the good side of living childfree
(which i will admit there definitely is a good side)
rather than blog about our feelings and
trying to come to terms with living
without children
in a world that is very much
about children

there are of course exceptions to this rule
and some very good ones
who are honest
and open
and upfront about their feelings
and battles with their decision
and i love reading them
because it makes me feel
a little bit less of a freak
like what i’m feeling is perfectly normal

and i suppose that right there
is THE reason why i blog with honesty
and rawness at times
why i let my heart pour itself
out onto the screen
and spew word vomit at times
because if there is just one other person
out there in the
blogosphere
who is struggling to accept where they
find themselves in this journey
or is contemplating giving up
but are afraid of what they will feel in doing so
or has given up and is doubting what they are feeling

if they read my words
how i’m struggling
how i’m doubting myself
doubting BikerMans choice in wife
how some days i don’t feel like getting out of bed
other days just crying randomly all day
on some i just consume everything in sight
and they think
hey she’s feeling it too
so i’m not that much of a freak

well my words have done
what they were put onto the screen
to do

in helping me clear my head
my heart try to console itself
and my soul heal itself
they may also do the same for
someone else
a friend
a fellow blogger
or even a total stranger
it really doesn’t matter who
just someone

the post

i have so many things to say
and yet none
all at the same time

a couple of people have
written some posts
that have made me want
to post what i’m thinking
and feeling too

elize and sharon
both wrote posts this week
that kind of related
to what i’ve been thinking
and trying to get out
of my head and onto the screen

they put it onto the screen
alot more eloquently
than i will though

sharon wrote something in her post
that jumped off the page at me
she wrote:-
“Its painful for me to read infertility blogs and postings about how if we try hard enough, try enough times, we will succeed. Its like saying I didn’t want it enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t give it my best shot.”

i used to think
that if we tried for long enough
eventually we’d get knocked up
and have one
that stuck

surely the odds were in our favour
try for something for x amount of years
and eventually you have to get
what you’ve been trying for
right?

uh well no
unfortunately the fertility gods
don’t work like that
because they are cruel
heartless bastards

being told that maybe
if i just have
“a break”
and some time with
bikerman
then come back and keep
ttc
in a year
does nothing to help me

in fact all it does is
make me feel like a failure
like if everyone else has
taken time out
time to regroup
and then came back in a couple of months time
and then got knocked up

i’ve done that
sucked at it
failed at it
so don’t tell me all i need is time
because i’ve fucking
taken time
and it did sweet fuck all for me

as you can see from my writing
i’m still very very angry

my anger does not just stem
from my infertility failings
it comes from general unhappiness

i’m not where i thought i would be
at this stage of my life
on the 18th bikerman and i
will have been married for 9 years
together for 10
and by now i thought
no expected
us to have at least one kid
perhaps two
and yet here we with
none
zip, zilch, zero

for 9 years of married life
all i have to show for it
is heartache
loss after loss
and one amazing husband

i’m afraid of what the future holds
i’m afraid of reaching 40 and
having no purpose in life
not a career person
not a mother
just a wife
will that be enough?
knowing me probably not
i want more of me than just being
“a good wife”
even thought thats a worthy thing to be

the following part of
elize’s post also jumped out at me
she wrote:-
“At this point in my life I really really really do not want to fall pregnant ever again, in fact I don’t even think I want children anymore. I just can’t see us with kids, at all, it now feels like an empty dream. I’m surprised how quickly I adjusted, where in the past I was so fearful to end up without children”

i wish i was right where she is
with her thinking
i want to be there
i want to be fine
with
never being pregnant again
i want to be fine
with
never seeing a heartbeat on a monitor
i want to be fine
with
never seeing my growing child on a grainy ultrasound picture
i want to be fine
with
not wondering if we’re having a boy or a girl
i want to be fine
with
never feeling my child kick in my stomach
i want to be fine
with
never experiencing childbirth

i thought i was there
i said we weren’t actively
ttc anymore
and we’re not
which means we’ve moved on
but my heart is back there
languishing on the ttc highway
trying to hitch a ride
with anyone that will stop
that will give it hope

i’ve tried to call my heart back
lure it off the highway
told it we’ll be fine
and we will
but it doesn’t listen to me
refuses to listen to me
it isn’t ready to give up yet
and to be honest
i don’t blame it

how do you give up on your dream
a dream i might add that i
NEVER
wanted until i met bikerman
i met him and decided i simply must
procreate with him
i simply had to
i loved him that much i wanted
mini hims
his love made me want to be a mother
so really it’s his fault

a friend said something to me the other day
that really made me stop and think
she asked how we were going
with the whole ttc thing
and i told her that we were no longer trying
and i told her how i worried i was about
coping, how it would affect “us” (bikerman and i)
and said
without missing a beat or a second

“you two have been married for 9 years
and you’ve come this far
been through everything you’ve been through
and all without having kids to keep you glued together
the reason why alot of people stay together
you’re in love more than the day you married
you two can face anything”

and you know what
she is completely and utterly right
we have been through the ringer
and i do believe that alot of marriages
are only still together because of the
children they have together
we are still together despite
not having children
we want/ed

that thought has got me through alot
i’ve been in the bottom of a very
dark well for most of this week
crying at the drop of a hat
not eating
not wanting to do anything
but sleep or cry
both while curled up into the foetal position

infertility has sucked the life out of me
it’s made my self esteem plummet
and i never had much of that
to start with
it’s made me doubt myself
and why i’m here
living this life
my life
worst of all
it’s made me doubt bikermans
choice as me as his wife

maybe if he’d fallen in love
with someone else
he’d be the amazing father
that i know he will/would be
by now

the where do i fit post

i’ve been thinking about this
alot lately

where exactly do i fit in?

i’m 30
and have been
married for
9 years

the standard questions
go like this
‘are you married?’
yes
‘any children?’
no
‘and how long have you been married for?’
9 years
‘and no kids?’
yup thats right, no kids

you see i’m not normal
i’m not conforming to
the ideal
that society
says i should

you get married
you pop out sprogs
you live happily (hopefully)
ever after

you do not
get married
and then not procreate
thats just weird
and people don’t know how to deal with
‘weirdness’

i was reading an article
the other day
that was commenting on the actresses
in hollywood
who do not have children
they mentioned
cameron diaz
and renee zellweger

both
according the article
though i have heard cam say it herself
are happy with their lives
and if they don’t have
children
well thats just fine by them

why can’t i say that?
why can’t i say
well if i don’t have children
well thats just fine and dandy

perhaps if i was mega rich
famous
and living a fucking fantabulous life
i could?

but i’m not
and i don’t
so i’m struggling

i feel like i’ve snagged my soul
on something
and
as much as i try
to take the steps forward
in our life
something is holding
me
back
but i don’t know what

i feel like i’m/we’re in limbo

no longer trying
not ready to let go
not moving forward
it’s an absolutely horrible feeling
and one
that I wish would just
go away
but
i fear (and think tbh)
that it’s not going to anytime soon

i don’t fit in with
my friends
who are
smug parents

i don’t fit in with
the childfree
because well
i don’t know anyone that is childfree
well not personally
on a friendly level
and the ones
that i do know of
are childfree by choice
and its hard to relate
because they don’t seem
to be able to grasp that
i’m not childfree by choice

and so
i’m left to sit
and wonder
what exactly my purpose is
why am i here
where is my place in the world

and still
i have no answer
the questions just
go round and round
in my head
like they are stuck in a
revolving door
that won’t stop

the burn update with gross pics post

brace yourselves
this post contains graphic pics
of my burn
that i got
from BikerMans
bitch

and yes she is
a bitch
i went to kick her the other day
and she stabbed me with
her foot peg
see total cow

ok first up
the pics of the burn when
it first happened
nearly a week ago now

and now
how it looks now
be prepared to be grossed out
but all perfectly normal
according to the
nurse i’ve seen

are you prepared?

 

 

no i mean really prepared?

 

 

you sure?

 

 

(go on admit i you’re talking to the screen right now

aren’t you?)

 

 

ok ok

the yellow bits are where the skin was totally removed

looks yucky but is just a protective barrier for the skin to grow back

should however

i start getting any puss coming from it

then i’m in trouble

so good so far tho

still can’t squat or do anything

that requires that part of my skin

to be stretched

because it hurts like hell

and i scream like a girl

the raw post part i

its raw
pure rawness that you’re about to read
probably the most honest i’ve ever
been
in a blog post

thoughts i needed to let
escape from going
round and round
in my head
over
and
over

all i want to know is
when i became
this horrible
nasty
angry
bitter person

i don’t even recognise myself
anymore

i’m rarely happy
i rarely smile
something that gets mentioned alot

i get asked
“whats up”

a question i can never
seem to answer
because i just don’t know

this hollow
feeling in the pit of my stomach
is always there
i don’t know when it arrived
why it’s there
or how i’m going to get rid of it

i’m angry at everything
i’m sure if you were to pass me
in the street
you would see a black cloud
not just hovering over me
but totally
surrounding me

i’m scared of the past
unhappy with my present
and scared shitless
of the future

i sit here
staring at an
illuminated computer screen
tears pricking at my eyes
my heart aching
my soul hating itself
wondering what i
did to
deserve this

am i a horrible person?
i think i may be
to be feeling what i am

i feel like i’ve been
sucked into a black hole
a vortex
with no hope of escape
and that no matter
how hard
or loud
i scream
no one can hear me

and my fear is that no one
ever will